Confession: I've been afraid to paint lately.
I've hit this weird standstill in my working life, where I feel like I can't go forward as I've been going. It's something I've been feeling for quite some time, but that I've continued to push through and ignore.... and all of a sudden, I can't ignore it anymore. I'm getting strong, clear messages that it's time to move forward in a new and different way.
I realize this sounds like I'm getting ready to abandon it all and forge a new path. This is definitely not the case. I love what I do! I just don't love the way that I've been doing it. But it has meant that I've taken a step back from creating and working and all the doing that I've been caught up in for years and years... I've been sitting more. Resting more. Doing more soul work. Being more. Worrying less. Feeling happier. Feeling grateful. (With bouts of worrying, naturally! But they're lessening...)
I have been working plenty, of course (I mean, I'm writing a book
right now, for pete's sake!), but I'm not working at my usual frenzied pace, pushing myself to do more more more. It's weird. And good. And scary. But ultimately good.
This trip to Morocco
is seriously divinely timed -- I can't imagine a better time to step away from my normal life for a few weeks than in the midst of all this wondering and searching for a new way....
I don't know what my next steps are. Perhaps it's just simply to move forward on my path without worry. (That would be a hugely new and different way for me! I am a worrier to the max.) Perhaps it's accessing my creativity in a new way somehow. Perhaps it's something I can't even imagine yet. I'm not sure.
But, I do know that yesterday I felt called to paint again. It's been awhile since I've wanted to step up to the canvas. That's scary to admit, because I feel like I'm supposed to hold up this veneer of the ever-productive artist that paints and creates freely every day. Sometimes that's the case. Sometimes it's not. But yesterday I felt called, so I listened. I didn't paint much, but I do like what I started. You can see it there above. We'll see what it becomes!
We'll see what it allllll becomes.... I'm remembering more and more these days that life is a journey, not to be rushed through, and I get to make it what I want it to be. What a magnificent gift that is, isn't it?